Where is the Love?

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and it’s partly because I’ve been in kind of a rut as of late. Not a “you can tell from the outside” kind of rut but more of an internal “wtf am I doing with my life” kind of thing. For the past couple of weeks, ok, make that months, I honestly feel like I’m living in reverse. Doing things I know I shouldn’t. Not thinking before I act. Having a “f*ck the world I’ll do what I want” mentality. It wasn’t until yesterday that I started to realize that all of this pent up anger and frustration is my mind’s way of defending my heart. My defenses are in overdrive and I’m regressing as a result. I don’t know when this happened exactly. I was doing well for a good while. Staying focused and doing the things that were good for me and not just what FELT good (keep your mind out of the gutter, or don’t…). Somehow though, I ended up in this space. Now don’t get me wrong. My life is great. Work is great. Friends and Family are great. Life, on paper at least, is effing fantastic. I definitely can’t complain because I know I am blessed beyond measure. But all of this awesomeness in my life fails to conceal that nagging feeling deep inside telling me I’m not where I need to be- emotionally that is. Back in the day, a long, long, long, time ago, I was in a relationship. Although it didn't work out, I was the most in love I’d ever been and have ever been since. Love and marriage and kids and all that good stuff were always on my mind and the future was bright- full of endless possibilities and wonderment befitting that of Alice and that damn smiling cat (even typing that made me feel sick to my stomach….le sigh) But then, we broke up and everything came tumbling down.

Fast forward to the here and the now. I’m 27 years old and I hate love. Ok, I don’t hate it exactly, I just don’t understand it like I used to. I cannot for the life of me imagine myself so totally engrossed in someone else; so in love that I’d give them my last breath…my last dollar…or even worse, my last drop of Simply Raspberry Lemonade (that sh*t ain’t cheap!). Where did all the love go? Your guess is as good as mine. Love and being in love has somehow lost its appeal. Now the intellect in me says that this is a defense mechanism I’ve picked up as a way of dealing with whatever lingering hurt/pain currently residing in the deep recesses of my heart. It’s a mixture of regression, repressions, and a hint of disassociation (I guess that Psychology elective I took at Howard paid off after all). I get it. I really do. But how, pray tell, do I work through this nonsense? How do I get to the point where love isn’t that big, scary, overwhelming emotion that inevitably finds a way to screw me over in the end? Other than praying like it’s going out of style, I’m at a loss. It’s not that finding a date is the problem; it’s more about being open and receptive to something other than a couple dates here and there. Part of me wants to blame it on the other person. Like if they were really the right person, I’d change my mind- my mind set would be different and I would just KNOW. But realistically, I know that it can never get to that point because I just can’t or won’t let myself even go there. I know I have it in me. It’s just that it’s been lying dormant for so long I’m afraid to wake it up. Anyone else been here before? Any suggestions or advice?

She Wants That Old Thing Back

As it is for most women my age (and damn near every age, for that matter), breaking up is hard to do. It's especially trying when the reason behind the break-up is less than dramatic--he didn't cheat, lie, or pull a 'Chris Brown' on your ass. Sometimes relationships just don't work and neither party harbors any ill will toward the other. This particular circumstance is the perfect breading ground for a quandary I'd like to call the 'Old Thing Back' scenario-or OTB for short. The OTB usually occurs without warning and there's usually nothing you can do once you've fallen in the trap. Something as small as a simple 'hi' in a text message can snowball into an impromptu late night session of horizontal mambo. It's not too hard to figure out why back-tracking is so easy to do--it's familiar, you already know what to do and you don't have to worry about all the B.S that comes with meeting someone new. From my personal experience, I've come to realize that there are particular instances where the desire to want that OTB is much more apparent. For those of you fresh off a new break-up, you may want to avoid these situations at all cost:

1. Being home alone, DRUNK: Now there are several ways this can happen. You could have met up with a few co-workers for happy hour and end up having one too many swirl margaritas or you simply decided to get yourself a good bottle of Riesling and call it a Blockbuster night. Either way, once that alcohol kicks in and you’re sitting on the couch alone, you can pretty much kiss your strong will goodbye. The next thing you know, you're dialing those all too familiar digits and he's over your place before you finish that third glass of wine.

2. Going to the movies, WITH YOUR GIRLS: Think back to those days when you were dating or had a man. Where's the first place you usually end up after dinner? That's right, the movies. So when you and your BFF are at the theater for the 9:30pm showing of 'Transformers' you best believe that you'll be surrounded by couples of all ages- so much so that you start feeling like the only idiot NOT on a date. While you're sitting there trying to enjoy the movie, all you can really think about getting that OTB. It's a guaranteed disaster waiting to happen.

3. Going to the club: Even though your intentions to go out with your girls may be to take your mind off of “him,” going to the club usually ends up doing more harm than good. This is because, for the majority of the night, you’re continuously shooting down one brother after the next --the fool with in the wide legged jeans rocking the single gold hoop earring; the clown sporting the bedazzled D&G shades and We R One bandana; the fool in the skin tight Underarmour tank and pleated slacks. After being barraged by these questionable characters for a good part of the night, your ex doesn’t seem all that bad and before you know it, you’re BBMing him for an adult sleepover at your house.

Please keep in mind that there are some instances when getting that OTB is completely warranted. There’s that space in time between ending one relationship and starting a new one where things sometimes just happen (hey, we all got needs!). Everyone slips up now and again and unless you’re really ready for it to be O-V-E-R, the chances of falling back into the groove of things is increased ten-fold. At the end of the day, you gotta do you. If the getting that OTB is what you want to do, do it. Just make sure to keep my tips in mind when you’re finally ready to move on.

Husband Material

A fellow blogger and HU Alum, Shaka Shaw (shakashawshow.wordpress.com), had a rather interesting post recently, outlining what he considers the most important traits in a woman, or ‘Wifey Points’ as he calls them. This got me to thinking about what attributes make a man ‘Husband Material.’ It’s only fair that we (women) have our own list, right?

So now I present to you, my list of qualities that makes a man worth settling down for…..

1. Humor Me- I know that this may not be on the top of every woman’s list but I love to laugh and consequently can’t stand a man that lacks the ability to crack a joke, make a sly remark, or just keep the hell up. I’ve been blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with a smart mouth and the keen ability bring a smile (or at least a smirk) to the faces of others with one gratuitously humorous remark. If I’m at a party cracking jokes and having a good time and you’re in the corner somewhere looking like you’d rather be at the doctor getting a prostate exam, it won’t work.

2. Fix my sh*t- There’s nothing sexier than a man that knows how to use a power tool. I’m not saying that you need to be the black Bob Villa but there’s something to be said about a man who can fix a broken shower curtain rod or install a ceiling fan. I know that these 2009 “educated” brothas out here are more apt to call a handyman then risk ruining their fresh manicures, but a man who can break out a cordless drill gets 1,000 hubby points in my book (extra credit for a man who can change the oil in my car).

3. Put me on- When we’re on the phone discussing what we’re gonna do for our first date and you suggest going to Lucky Strike and catching a movie, the odds are not in your favor. Dinner and a movie is SO 2001. I want to be put on to some new sh*t. Jazz at your favorite underground spot, an art exhibit in Anacostia, rock climbing, ice skating, SOMETHING. Either dudes have stopped trying or just don’t know any better. Either way, I’m over it. Can I be put on for once?

4. Music to my ears- This one is simple. If your favorite artists are Soldier Boy, MIMS, and O.J. da Juiceman, I probably won’t want to date you let alone marry you. My musical taste is pretty broad and it’s important that my husband’s IPOD contains more than just Lil Wayne mix tapes and DJ Khalid’s greatest hits. Every heard of J* Davey my brotha? Step your game up….

5. It’s 2009, dress accordingly- I’m not saying that I’m the black Posh Spice, but I like to look good. With that being said, there’s nothing worse than a man who still dresses like it’s 1999. Is that an ED Hardy T-shirt? Wide Legged jeans? Diesel Sneakers? Come on now. I don’t expect you to be Thomas Pink-ed or Purple Labled from head to toe but at least look like you’re dressing for this decade. And while we’re on the subject of clothes…..

6. Mix it up- There’s nothing more pretentious than a man that only wears one brand of clothing or doesn’t own a fresh pair of kicks. Yes, we are grown, but does that mean you have to wear loafers and a sport jacket to the grocery store? I like a man who can go from rocking an Armani suit one day to a Polo hoodie and a pair of Blazers the next. On the flip side, a man whose idea of dressing up is an Express button up and a pair of Kenneth Cole’s won’t be getting any points from me either.

7. Chivalry is NOT dead- Contrary to popular belief, women still appreciate a man with manners. Open the car door for me, pull out my seat at the restaurant, and pour my glass of wine first. Yes, I can do these things myself but I fully believe in a man and a woman playing their respective ‘roles.’ Unfortunately, chivalry has become a lost art in 2009. A man who still possesses these characteristics gets an extra 5,000 hubby points in my book.

8. Cook for me- Ok, ok. I know a lot of men do not possess the same prowess in the kitchen as most women but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. I thin k that in 2009, every man should have one go-to meal to ‘get the panties wet.’ Call your Mama for a recipe and practice! Even if it isn’t all that tasty, we’ll appreciate the effort.

9. Be secure with your sh*t! - Whether you’re a teacher with a second job at Macy’s or the CEO of your company, own it! There’s nothing worse than a man insecure with where he is in life. I know we can all stand to do better but as long as you’re working toward a goal, I can’t be mad. Just because you drive a Civic and I drive an Audi, it doesn’t mean I won’t give you a chance. But if you act like it’s a problem, it will be.

So ladies, did I miss anything? Leave me a comment and let me know!

It's not me, It's you

At 26 years old I've had my fair share of break ups, make ups, and everything in between. I've cheated, been cheated on and completely lost myself several times along the way. I'm now in this weird transitional period where I finally know what I want but can't seem to find anyone on the same page. I no longer wish to be bothered with someone who wants to casually date for a couple months then fade into the background when they feel like things might be getting a little 'too serious.' Nor am I interested in having a 'friend with benefits.' I have enough friends and the supposed 'benefit' isn't worth the headache. I also value myself enough to want and expect more than just sex from a man. So here I am, in my prime, ready to finally be an adult and do things the 'right way' and yet, meeting a man who even remotely knows what he's doing with his life is like finding a black person still living on U Street. That's not to say I haven't come across some good guys. It's just that most of them are either too intimidated by who they 'think' I am or are so busy proving themselves that I never get to see who they really are. Then there are the ones that don't feel like they have to put in any work and expect me to just hand 'it' over on a silver platter. I'm not saying that I'm the easiest person to get to know. I'm extremely picky, sarcastic probably to a fault and have an impossibly low threshold for bullsh*t. But, I'm a genuinely good person. I have a great sense of humor, I'm not needy or jealous, and I'm not in a rush to get married any time soon. All I want is to find someone who doesn't play games, keeps it 100 at all times, and enjoys my company (being tall, dark, and handsome surely doesn't hurt either!). I know there are some good men out there and I haven't completely lost hope just yet, but the dating scene is whack and I'm tired of kissing all these frogs. I'm ready for my Prince.

I'm in Love with a Stripper (song)

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is my affinity for stripper songs. I don't know if I was a stripper in a previous life or what but whenever I hear one of these songs I immediately have the urge to dance. And I'm not talking about a two step. I'm talking about full throttle, knees touching my elbows, gettin in like it's my freshman year at the Ritz, dancing. I can't understand why on earth I would get so hyped over songs that are so overtly sexually degrading to women but it's like singing along to a 'Too Short' song, you don't want to but you can't help yourself...

Here's the list of my top 5 Favorite Stripper Songs

1. "Da Baddest" -Big Kuntry King feat. Trey Songz: To be honest, I don't even know who 'Big Kuntry King' is but I came across the video for this song a couple months ago and ever since then it's been on heavy rotation on my iPod (and having sexy ass Trey Songz on the track doesn't hurt!)

2. "Tip Drill" -Nelly: How can you not love the song that got B.E.T's 'Uncensored' kicked off the air?

3. "Get Loose"- T.I: This like "Tip Drill's" twin brother. You can't have one without the other. I'm pretty sure T.I. even mentions the Tip Drill video in the first 10 seconds of the song.

4. "I'm in Love with a Stripper"- T-Pain: This song made it socially acceptable to wife a stripper. Hey.....ho's need lovin too! ;)

5. "Make it Rain"- Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne: Now I've actually seen this song in action. You can't be mad at a song that makes grown men blow their entire paycheck at the advice of a damn song (at least the strippers aren't mad anyway, lol).

Who Got Game?

So I'm in Friday's last weekend with a girlfriend of mine sipping on my second Mango Berry Mojito at the bar when I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and standing before me is a young man no older than about 22. He introduces himself to me and we strike up a pretty harmless conversation. He asks me questions, tells me a little about himself and it isn't until halfway though the conversation that I realize that he's trying to pick me up. I guess I assumed that he was just being friendly up until that point (silly me). Anyway, we talk a little longer and then he leaves to go take the order of a couple who just sat down (oh yeah, he was a waiter). My friend and I continue our convo and every once and a while he'd walk by and kind of give me the eye. By the time I finished my meal, he returns to the bar with a rose and says these exact words to me " I got you a rose because it symbolizes the beauty that I see in you, inside and out." Ok....so I know it SOUNDS corny but for some reason, it didn't come across as corny at all. It wasn't like he was trying too hard and he seemed sincere about the whole thing. I was actually in shock for a brief moment. It wasn't really the fact that he gave me the flower, it was his GAME. I'm sitting there thinking...don't tell me this young boy's got better game a man my age ?! I mean seriously, what's that about?

All I have to say to the men in the 25 and up crowd is 'step ya' game up.' These young dudes are making you look bad!

Therapy is for black people too!

Ok, so I'm back. I know it's seemed like FOREVER since I last posted anything but due to lack of inspiration, a crazy work/gym/drinking schedule, and overall laziness, I've completely neglected my blog.

Now that that's out of the way. I figured that I'd get back into the groove of things by blogging about something near and dear to my heart. No, not shopping, eating out, or drinking margaritas (although these are pretty far up in the list of things I absolutely love). I'm talking about therapy. YES, I said it, THERAPY. Now I know what you're thinking... "Damn, Teree is crazier than I thought." And although that could be true, it's really not THAT serious. I pretty much go to an office every week and sit in front of a man who listens as I talk about whatever is going on in my head at that particular moment. I won't get into what we talk about but I'm telling you, therapy isn't all that bad. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who is completely impartial. Now I know a lot of black folk think that I don't need therapy but JESUS. For some reason there's a stigma associated with Psychology. Even though I heart Jesus as much as the next girl, there's nothing like a little one on one with my therapist to get me moving in the right direction. I've only been going for a few months now and I already find myself being more cognizant of the things I do and say. That's not to say that I don't and won't pray. I just feel like every little bit helps and right now, my shrink is helping out quite a bit!

It feels good to be back. There's more to come. Stay tuned!